Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
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i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
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Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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