Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
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Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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