She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize