hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
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Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
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The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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