Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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