I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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