im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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