youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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