Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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