My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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