We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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