ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
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Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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