The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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