If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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