i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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