hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
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I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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