So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize