i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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