If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
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Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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