I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
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You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
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Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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