sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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