Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
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i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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