dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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