Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My bed smells like the plague
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