I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize