i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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