His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
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We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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