i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize