There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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