Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
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I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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