i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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