I'm going to jail i love you
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize