I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize