Apparently you make a good broom.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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