Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We need a shit load of segways right now
We're too hungover to prance.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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