Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
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Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
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