You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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