I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
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Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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