I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
In other news, I just burned my penis
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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