last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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