I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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