Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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