I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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