I looked at my own cervix.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
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he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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