Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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