You're a womanizer and a bitch.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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