Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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