During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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