The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
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Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
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I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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