Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize